The last couple of weekends have passed fairly easily. Not so this week. I wish I could write happy things, or at least things that focus on the positive. I know I dumped enough on you who read the blog this past week to scare away enough but the most dedicated friends.
But, the truth is, after a day of relief on Friday, the pain bore down on me again yesterday. Mom and I went to a ladies’ brunch at church.
It wasn’t a mother-daughter event; it wasn’t even on Mother’s Day weekend. If Jolene was still alive, she probably would not have come with me. Nevertheless, it was the kind of event that mothers attend with their daughters. The first of many such events, a daggered reminder of my loss.
By the time I got home, I was missing traffic lights, scaring Mom (and myself) out of our skins, and yelling at other drivers. Not a good day.
This morning, I sang with our church choir, in the choir loft. It felt like every song mentioned God’s faithfulness (amen), heaven, death, grief, sorrow. Why didn’t I bring a packet of tissues with me? I snuffled away my tears and smiled when the director turned to the choir and painted a smile on his face.
Can we find a friend so faithful, who will all our sorrows share? (What a Friend We Have in Jesus)
Purer in heart, O God, help me to be; until Thy holy face one day I see. (Purer in Heart)
Is it true that You are thinking of me? How You love me, it’s amazing! (I am a Friend of God)
The music affirmed the words to my soul; I wasn’t crying because of a lack of belief. Instead, my tears said, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.”
Our pastor’s sermon, one of a continuing series from the gospel of Matthew (chapter 23), focused on the dangers of religion. One point was focusing on externals, not internals, reformation vs. transformation. He challenged us to examine our hearts. In our inmost parts, do we desire to please God?
And I realized, that in the depths of my pain, I believe God. That’s not what the pastor asked. But that’s where I’m at. I don’t question God, His love, His goodness. I hurt. The pain is almost unbearable. But the pain—and the questions—don’t push me away from God. They drive me to Him.
And that’s a good thing.