The weekend passed with mild pain. The greatest sting came when we walked into the theater (on our way to see Hancock--check it out) and ran into the cutout for the new Ice Age movie. I stared at the mammoth with Ray Romano's eyes, and the saber-toothed tiger, and remembered how much Jolene enjoyed the first movie. I don't know how long it will be before I can watch a movie Jolene & I would have enjoyed together. Not now.
But that was a passing thought, an example of several that sped through my mind through the weekend.
Jolene didn't handle crowds well; over the years, especially when we didn't have a car, we learned to stay away from people-crush-inducing events like fireworks displays and the Cherry Creek Arts Festival.
So we often went to see a movie for the 4th, and toasted marshmallows over a burners to make s'mores. I remember going to an all-day concert one year; another time, we spent the day at Lakeside Amusement Park. For several years, we lived in a 3rd floor condo where we could see fireworks from across Denver. Without the crowds and the ear-splitting rockets, which made Jolene cry as a baby and which she never could endure.
It's been a weekend of sunshine and Rockies' wins, relaxation and rest.
And fond memories of the girl who isn't here to enjoy it with us. She's celebrating true freedom in heaven.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Happy 4th of July
In honor of the 4th of July, I am not going to blog tonight. Expect me back on Sunday night and we'll see how I've experienced this holiday without Jolene.
And as a footnote--I am writing about an independence day celebration for my historical romance, Beacon of Love--on the 4th of July! How cool is that!
And as a footnote--I am writing about an independence day celebration for my historical romance, Beacon of Love--on the 4th of July! How cool is that!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Welcome Mary Connealy
I've known Mary Connealy for awhile as a fellow Heartsong Presents: Mysteries author, but I didn't really come to know her until after Jolene's death. She stepped forward to help me set up this blog, and she has been my most faithful supporter.
Thank you, Mary, for sharing your loss of your father to cancer.
I lost my father a few years ago to cancer. It was a really slow way to die. It was about ten years from the first diagnosis until his death and there would be good times and really low times. He had all the treatment, surgery, radiation, chemo. He’d get knocked down, get back up and be better for a while and always the tests would come back wrong. Numbers that should have been zero just would not drop to zero.
I prayed steadily for Dad through that time and one verse that I came to love and cling to, and use as a prayer was:
Isaiah 40:31.
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
During the low times, and toward the end, my dad was so weary. He had no energy and just standing up was a struggle, he even fainted a few times.
I would sit next to him and try to rest my hand on his shoulder when he talked and know that it was important to listen to every word he said. I knew I’d cherish these talks after he was gone. He was the greatest man to talk to. He had the most wonderful laugh and he was generous with it. He was funny and smart and so good hearted, such a loving father. Now that he’s gone the thing that catches me at unexpected times are those moments when I think, “I’d love to hear what Dad would say about this.”
I’d sit there and listen and pray Isaiah 40:31. “Dear Lord, you know Dad has always put his hope in You. Please renew his strength. Lift him up and help him soar. Help him run and not grow weary. Help him walk and not faint.”
My dad loved baseball. He played for the University of Nebraska Baseball Team in college, the B Team he always said. He never made the traveling squad. I remember so well how he loved baseball. Playing it and watching it on TV. He played on a community team after I was born and we’d go watch him. He always played the outfield and I remember him being so tall and young and fast and strong…later on he was older, slower and weaker…and shorter too, I wonder how that happened?
There were eight of us kids and people teased Dad about having his own baseball team, with all of us and Dad together. I suppose Mom was a cheerleader, huh?
Well, my dad finally died after a long, slow, painful battle with that awful cancer. It took me a while, about a year, but one day I was praying and I remembered how I’d prayed those verses from Isaiah, asking God for a miracle to heal my dad. And I had this vision of Dad in heaven going up for a high fly ball and catching it.
It came to me then that I’d gotten my miracle. The Lord had renewed my dad’s strength. He had lifted Dad up to soar on wings like eagles to a place where he’d could run and never again grow weary. Where he could walk and not faint.
My book Calico Canyon will be in bookstores July 1st. A lot of the humor in my writing is a gift I believe I inherited from my wonderful father.
Thank you, Mary, for sharing your loss of your father to cancer.
I lost my father a few years ago to cancer. It was a really slow way to die. It was about ten years from the first diagnosis until his death and there would be good times and really low times. He had all the treatment, surgery, radiation, chemo. He’d get knocked down, get back up and be better for a while and always the tests would come back wrong. Numbers that should have been zero just would not drop to zero.
I prayed steadily for Dad through that time and one verse that I came to love and cling to, and use as a prayer was:
Isaiah 40:31.
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
During the low times, and toward the end, my dad was so weary. He had no energy and just standing up was a struggle, he even fainted a few times.
I would sit next to him and try to rest my hand on his shoulder when he talked and know that it was important to listen to every word he said. I knew I’d cherish these talks after he was gone. He was the greatest man to talk to. He had the most wonderful laugh and he was generous with it. He was funny and smart and so good hearted, such a loving father. Now that he’s gone the thing that catches me at unexpected times are those moments when I think, “I’d love to hear what Dad would say about this.”
I’d sit there and listen and pray Isaiah 40:31. “Dear Lord, you know Dad has always put his hope in You. Please renew his strength. Lift him up and help him soar. Help him run and not grow weary. Help him walk and not faint.”
My dad loved baseball. He played for the University of Nebraska Baseball Team in college, the B Team he always said. He never made the traveling squad. I remember so well how he loved baseball. Playing it and watching it on TV. He played on a community team after I was born and we’d go watch him. He always played the outfield and I remember him being so tall and young and fast and strong…later on he was older, slower and weaker…and shorter too, I wonder how that happened?
There were eight of us kids and people teased Dad about having his own baseball team, with all of us and Dad together. I suppose Mom was a cheerleader, huh?
Well, my dad finally died after a long, slow, painful battle with that awful cancer. It took me a while, about a year, but one day I was praying and I remembered how I’d prayed those verses from Isaiah, asking God for a miracle to heal my dad. And I had this vision of Dad in heaven going up for a high fly ball and catching it.
It came to me then that I’d gotten my miracle. The Lord had renewed my dad’s strength. He had lifted Dad up to soar on wings like eagles to a place where he’d could run and never again grow weary. Where he could walk and not faint.
My book Calico Canyon will be in bookstores July 1st. A lot of the humor in my writing is a gift I believe I inherited from my wonderful father.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Mom's Corner
June was a really difficult month for both Mom and me. I don't know if it was the passage of initial shock, or the effort expended in taking care of Jolene's possessions. But it's been tough, from beginning to end. We're glad to see the calendar page turn.
So tough, in fact, that on Sunday Mom announced, "When people ask me how I'm doing, I'm going to give them an honest answer--it's been a hard week."
She wrote the following to a friend in Maine: We are still grieving. I was looking for a card for Jaran's stepdaughter. The one I found said, "To a dear granddaughter" Inside: "Even though you are far away, Every time I think of you, my heart gives you a hug." At first I thought, "I don't feel that way about Shannon.".Then I thought of Jolene, and started to cry.
(Shannon's birthday is next week.)
Jolene, you are far away, where we cannot see or hear or touch you. But in whatever way you can receive it, our hearts give you a hug. We miss you, dear girl.
So tough, in fact, that on Sunday Mom announced, "When people ask me how I'm doing, I'm going to give them an honest answer--it's been a hard week."
She wrote the following to a friend in Maine: We are still grieving. I was looking for a card for Jaran's stepdaughter. The one I found said, "To a dear granddaughter" Inside: "Even though you are far away, Every time I think of you, my heart gives you a hug." At first I thought, "I don't feel that way about Shannon.".Then I thought of Jolene, and started to cry.
(Shannon's birthday is next week.)
Jolene, you are far away, where we cannot see or hear or touch you. But in whatever way you can receive it, our hearts give you a hug. We miss you, dear girl.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Lemon Meringue Pie
Mom and I ate at Marie Callender's after church yesterday.
No trip to Marie Callender's is complete without a slice of pie. They make the best pies in town, whatever pundits say about Village Inn. My personal favorite is German chocolate, chocolate filling with coconut and pecan pieces. Umm, good.
We took our seats in the waiting area, still emotional after the tear-filled worship service. What's the first thing that I saw?
"Pie of the Month: Lemon Meringue."
I looked at Mom, and she nodded. "Reminders everywhere." (I'm surprised we didn't bawl then and there.)
Lemon meringue pie was Jolene's favorite dessert. I think she would have preferred it to birthday cake.
Sour and sweet at the same time, just like my girl.
No trip to Marie Callender's is complete without a slice of pie. They make the best pies in town, whatever pundits say about Village Inn. My personal favorite is German chocolate, chocolate filling with coconut and pecan pieces. Umm, good.
We took our seats in the waiting area, still emotional after the tear-filled worship service. What's the first thing that I saw?
"Pie of the Month: Lemon Meringue."
I looked at Mom, and she nodded. "Reminders everywhere." (I'm surprised we didn't bawl then and there.)
Lemon meringue pie was Jolene's favorite dessert. I think she would have preferred it to birthday cake.
Sour and sweet at the same time, just like my girl.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Fly to Jesus
This morning, at the start of the worship service, I felt more joyful than I have for awhile. My strength is in you, Lord. The words of the praise song poured out from me.
Then we reached the final song, "Untitled Hymn," commonly known as "Come to Jesus" by Chris Rice. And of course the lyrics got to me. With your final heartbeat ... go in peace, and laugh on glory's side.
Oh, God. One heartbeat, Jolene was alive. The next, she was dead. My voice broke, and I tried to keep from crying.
Understand, I stand in the choir loft. I feel like I'm on display before the whole church. I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder, one of the sopranos noticing my distress. She handed me a tissue. I blinked back the tears, wiped my eyes. By then, the song had ended.
All during the sermon, the Lord's Supper, lunch, I would remember the words, With your final heartbeat, and I would start to cry all over again. After we ate, the heaviness passed.
In A Grief Unveiled, Floyd talks about "the problem." It's not theological, he said. Amen. I KNOW Jolene is in heaven, in peace, and laughing.
No, as Paul says in Colossians--the faith and love that sustain me through the pain spring from the hope that is stored up for me in heaven (Colossians 1:5-6.) It's there, solid and sure. His grace for today is enough.
As a funny footnote, I choked on the communion cracker during the Lord's Supper and couldn't stop coughing. One of the deacons fetched water for me. This morning, I really WAS the talk of the church.
Then we reached the final song, "Untitled Hymn," commonly known as "Come to Jesus" by Chris Rice. And of course the lyrics got to me. With your final heartbeat ... go in peace, and laugh on glory's side.
Oh, God. One heartbeat, Jolene was alive. The next, she was dead. My voice broke, and I tried to keep from crying.
Understand, I stand in the choir loft. I feel like I'm on display before the whole church. I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder, one of the sopranos noticing my distress. She handed me a tissue. I blinked back the tears, wiped my eyes. By then, the song had ended.
All during the sermon, the Lord's Supper, lunch, I would remember the words, With your final heartbeat, and I would start to cry all over again. After we ate, the heaviness passed.
In A Grief Unveiled, Floyd talks about "the problem." It's not theological, he said. Amen. I KNOW Jolene is in heaven, in peace, and laughing.
No, as Paul says in Colossians--the faith and love that sustain me through the pain spring from the hope that is stored up for me in heaven (Colossians 1:5-6.) It's there, solid and sure. His grace for today is enough.
As a funny footnote, I choked on the communion cracker during the Lord's Supper and couldn't stop coughing. One of the deacons fetched water for me. This morning, I really WAS the talk of the church.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Welcome Cara Putman
It is my privilege to welcome Cara Putman to my blog tonight. Cara is a fellow Heartsong author and also writes for Love Inspired Suspense. We met through ACFW (American Christian Fiction Writers).
Please read as Cara shares about the heartbreaking loss of miscarriage.
In this blog, I have been processing the loss of my daughter to suicide. The experience of loss is universal. What significant loss have you experienced? How has it impacted your writing?
Until January 2007, I’d experienced what I now call candy-coated Christianity. Not that my life had been perfect – In fact there had been several tests to my faith as I grew up. But in that January I was confronted with a test that shook me to the core of my faith when I miscarried.
We already had two children, but my husband and I knew our family wasn’t complete yet. But this time it wasn’t a simple matter to get pregnant. We had tried for months, undergone basic infertility tests, and rejoiced when the test turned positive. We told family and friends before the end of the first trimester – we’d never had any problems with my earlier pregnancies, so we wouldn’t this time. Right?
Then I went in for my first prenatal visit and heard those words you never want to. “Either you miscalculated or you will miscarry. It’s simply a matter of time.” The next day we had an ultrasound that confirmed our worst fears. Then began the process of wrestling with God and trying to decide what to do next while battling grief at the loss.
No one in my immediate family or my husband’s had experienced miscarriage so no one knew how to support me. Yet God surrounded me with friends who cried with me and carried me through the experience, letting me know I wasn’t alone.
What central truth did you learn through your loss?
I struggled with how I could reconcile the fact that I firmly believe God is good and that He has nothing but plans for my hope and future with the reality of that loss. Especially as I dove back into the cycles of trying to get pregnant again. But even as I cried and questions and railed and felt anger and abandonment, I knew He was still God and I chose to believe He was who He says He is. Even as my heart felt fragmented.
It’s still hard, even now that I hold our precious daughter in my arms. She was my mother’s day present this year. But I still cry sometimes when I see babies that are the same age as my little one in heaven.
What books or characters resonated with you in your time of loss?
Lainie’s struggles in Sandhill Dreams were a direct result of the issues and emotions I wrestled with that year. And my next novel will tackle these issues head on because the hero and heroine are married and experience a miscarriage. I imagine those emotions will flood back as I write those chapters. But since 25% of recognized pregnancies end in a miscarriage, it’s critical that we understand how that impacts the families.
You have recently published "Sandhill Dreams” and “Deadly Exposure." Please tell me a little about your books.
Sandhill Dreams With her dreams shattered, will Lainie Gardner allow God and a soldier at Fort Robinson to breathe life into new dreams that will bring her more joy than she imagined?
Deadly Exposure: With a stalker closing in, will television journalist Dani Richards trust her former love and police investigator Caleb Jamison to help her and God to rescue her?
What last words would you like to share with my readers? How can they find out more about what God is doing in your life?
During life’s tragedies – because they will come – our choice is: will we trust God or are we going to turn inward and become bitter. I am comforted by Joseph’s words to his brothers in Genesis 50:20: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done…” We can say the same thing to our Enemy. I pray God will let me see some of the fruit of my experience in this life (and I have), but even if I don’t see or understand here, I will in heaven. And someday I’ll get to meet that baby, and I can’t wait for that.
People can find me on the web at www.caraputman.com and at my blog http://carasmusings.blogspot.com where I review and giveaway books, talk about my writing, thoughts on life, and more.
Thanks so much for inviting me to your blog, Darlene. I’m praying for you as you walk through this dark time.
Please read as Cara shares about the heartbreaking loss of miscarriage.
In this blog, I have been processing the loss of my daughter to suicide. The experience of loss is universal. What significant loss have you experienced? How has it impacted your writing?
Until January 2007, I’d experienced what I now call candy-coated Christianity. Not that my life had been perfect – In fact there had been several tests to my faith as I grew up. But in that January I was confronted with a test that shook me to the core of my faith when I miscarried.
We already had two children, but my husband and I knew our family wasn’t complete yet. But this time it wasn’t a simple matter to get pregnant. We had tried for months, undergone basic infertility tests, and rejoiced when the test turned positive. We told family and friends before the end of the first trimester – we’d never had any problems with my earlier pregnancies, so we wouldn’t this time. Right?
Then I went in for my first prenatal visit and heard those words you never want to. “Either you miscalculated or you will miscarry. It’s simply a matter of time.” The next day we had an ultrasound that confirmed our worst fears. Then began the process of wrestling with God and trying to decide what to do next while battling grief at the loss.
No one in my immediate family or my husband’s had experienced miscarriage so no one knew how to support me. Yet God surrounded me with friends who cried with me and carried me through the experience, letting me know I wasn’t alone.
What central truth did you learn through your loss?
I struggled with how I could reconcile the fact that I firmly believe God is good and that He has nothing but plans for my hope and future with the reality of that loss. Especially as I dove back into the cycles of trying to get pregnant again. But even as I cried and questions and railed and felt anger and abandonment, I knew He was still God and I chose to believe He was who He says He is. Even as my heart felt fragmented.
It’s still hard, even now that I hold our precious daughter in my arms. She was my mother’s day present this year. But I still cry sometimes when I see babies that are the same age as my little one in heaven.
What books or characters resonated with you in your time of loss?
Lainie’s struggles in Sandhill Dreams were a direct result of the issues and emotions I wrestled with that year. And my next novel will tackle these issues head on because the hero and heroine are married and experience a miscarriage. I imagine those emotions will flood back as I write those chapters. But since 25% of recognized pregnancies end in a miscarriage, it’s critical that we understand how that impacts the families.
You have recently published "Sandhill Dreams” and “Deadly Exposure." Please tell me a little about your books.
Sandhill Dreams With her dreams shattered, will Lainie Gardner allow God and a soldier at Fort Robinson to breathe life into new dreams that will bring her more joy than she imagined?
Deadly Exposure: With a stalker closing in, will television journalist Dani Richards trust her former love and police investigator Caleb Jamison to help her and God to rescue her?
What last words would you like to share with my readers? How can they find out more about what God is doing in your life?
During life’s tragedies – because they will come – our choice is: will we trust God or are we going to turn inward and become bitter. I am comforted by Joseph’s words to his brothers in Genesis 50:20: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done…” We can say the same thing to our Enemy. I pray God will let me see some of the fruit of my experience in this life (and I have), but even if I don’t see or understand here, I will in heaven. And someday I’ll get to meet that baby, and I can’t wait for that.
People can find me on the web at www.caraputman.com and at my blog http://carasmusings.blogspot.com where I review and giveaway books, talk about my writing, thoughts on life, and more.
Thanks so much for inviting me to your blog, Darlene. I’m praying for you as you walk through this dark time.
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