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Sunday, June 1, 2008

Ignored Survivor

There is one thing (at least) I have not handled well during this period of grieving.

I have expended very little energy in reaching out to Jolene's boyfriend, her almost-fiance. The truth is, I had no energy or comfort to spare. It's taken everything I have to go on with my own life. That, plus Mom and Jaran. That's all I can handle.

Also, to be honest, Jolene seemed ambivalent about Marius. At times she would talk dreamily about their future together. Other times, she would say "I tell him to go away and he won't leave me alone." At times they brought out the worst in each other. I'm not blaming Marius. I'm just saying that their disorders made their relationship difficult. And I was never sure if Marius was as serious about Jolene as she was about him. Does that make sense?

Whatever my excuse, I've neglected Marius, who grieves in a way I cannot comprehend.

This weekend we finally met up together. He went to the storage unit with us; we had a pleasant talk. I asked for his permission to share a letter he had written to us. His voice deserves to be heard.

"I hope the days are getting better for you. That maybe forlorn has become a foreign word. I, myself, am still swimming in a sea of melancholy. Everything has begun to fade to grey. I miss Jolene (my queen). Everything seems to empty without her. Every day (or night), I tell her that I love her . . . and that I am sorry. Somebody from MHCD, that I had not seen in awhile, asked me how Jolene was doing. That is always a hard situation. I'm sure you know all about it."

We agreed to set a time to meet, once or twice a month. If I don't plan for it, it won't happen.

So when you think of me and my loss, send up an extra prayer for Marius.

Footnote: Since almost no one reads this blog on the weekends, I have decided to publish Sunday nights - Thursday nights. On Wednesdays, I hope to post guest blog from fellow authors. We can all learn from each other.

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