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Sunday, June 15, 2008

Almost Three Months

Jolene has been on my heart all weekend.

It started with Jaran's phone call on Friday. He was going to her grave to leave flowers. "Do you have anything you want to say?"

Mom spent the rest of the day in tears. It didn't hit me until I connected the date--the 13th--with Jolene's actual date of death. I was thinking about the 17th, the "official" date."

Three months. Three months. Has it really been that long?

Anyhow, I am aching, hurting, wanting to wake up and find out it's all a bad dream. It's like an amputation. I keep looking for the phantom limb which is no longer there.

Add to the anniversary our pastor's Father's Day sermon: characteristics of a perfect father, based on God our Father from John 3:16-18. He pointed out that God is good; how do we explain all that bad things that happen to us? That led to another point: God allows us to make our own choices. And choices, good and bad, that other people make, impact our lives.

Jolene's choice to end her life is a prime example of a bad choice that continues to rip through my heart.

We also cleaned out most of the storage unit this afternoon. The last of Jolene's physical possessions.

A hard weekend. I ache, body and soul. I can only affirm that in some way I do not see or comprehend, God will work our tragedy into some beautiful good.


Jan Parrish said...

Darlene -
We are aching for you and are praying for you.

Visit Deb's Country Kisses - on my blog roll. She has also lost a daughter about the same age.

You have an award on my blog. Stop by and pick it up.

Mary Connealy said...

God bless you, Darlene. Sometimes that's all I can think of to say. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Deb said...

Hi Darlene, thank you for visiting my blog, I pray that what I tell you will somehow help, I've prayed to God that it will. Grieve Darlene, you have lost a most precious gift. Grieve and ask God each day to make it easier and He will. Don't ask why, and don't try and think of what you could have done, because the plan wasn't for you to intervene. Just trust God, I mean as a little child, trust God. Drawn near to Him, He will guide you through this. Darlene, nobody grieves the same, but for me, a part of me still grieves and I don't mind one bit. I'll tell you a story, it was harder for me around holidays, and of course her birthday as it will be for you,with her birthday being so close to her death. Each birthday I would have the hardest time, it would hit me like a ton of bricks. About the third year when her birthday was approaching, I prayed to God that he would be there for me. It was two days after her birthday when I realized that it had passed. I began to beat myself,how could I forget her birthday? I thought, Lord what kind of mother am I? I didn't even remember, I just went on about my day to day and it slipped my mind. The Lord said to me, didn't you ask me for help? And His way was sufficient, I said thank you Lord. The proof of the Lord's love and guidance through your lost will always surface, and it will be sufficient.

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.