Marius Revisited

We postponed our monthly visit with Jolene's fiance when dizziness overcame Mom last Sunday.

Today, when we left our apartment to pick him up, Mom said, "I feel queasy."

"Of course. We're going to see Marius."

She took an anxiety pill. It helped.

The visits are hard for all of us, yet good at the same time. As Marius said, we're the only ones who truly understand his grief. We can be honest about our love and longing, the hole she's left in our lives.

Marius blames himself for Jolene's death. If only he had returned to her apartment ... if only they had already married ... if only ... We remind him that the decision to end her life was Jolene's alone, but he says, "I know, but--" My heart aches for him. How hard to carry that guilt, as well as his grief at her death.

I ask Marius if he believes in life after death. He answers that he can't think about it; it's too painful. I share how my faith comforts me. Jolene is alive in heaven; I will spend eternity with her, and one day, God will wipe away my tears when there is no more death or crying or pain.

We explore our shared memories, and all three of us tear up. "Some day," Marius says, "We will meet and remember the good times without crying."

Pray for this sweet man, with a poet's soul and an agnostic's struggle.

We honor Jolene's memory in maintaining our relationship.

Ignored Survivor

There is one thing (at least) I have not handled well during this period of grieving.

I have expended very little energy in reaching out to Jolene's boyfriend, her almost-fiance. The truth is, I had no energy or comfort to spare. It's taken everything I have to go on with my own life. That, plus Mom and Jaran. That's all I can handle.

Also, to be honest, Jolene seemed ambivalent about Marius. At times she would talk dreamily about their future together. Other times, she would say "I tell him to go away and he won't leave me alone." At times they brought out the worst in each other. I'm not blaming Marius. I'm just saying that their disorders made their relationship difficult. And I was never sure if Marius was as serious about Jolene as she was about him. Does that make sense?

Whatever my excuse, I've neglected Marius, who grieves in a way I cannot comprehend.

This weekend we finally met up together. He went to the storage unit with us; we had a pleasant talk. I asked for his permission to share a letter he had written to us. His voice deserves to be heard.

"I hope the days are getting better for you. That maybe forlorn has become a foreign word. I, myself, am still swimming in a sea of melancholy. Everything has begun to fade to grey. I miss Jolene (my queen). Everything seems to empty without her. Every day (or night), I tell her that I love her . . . and that I am sorry. Somebody from MHCD, that I had not seen in awhile, asked me how Jolene was doing. That is always a hard situation. I'm sure you know all about it."

We agreed to set a time to meet, once or twice a month. If I don't plan for it, it won't happen.

So when you think of me and my loss, send up an extra prayer for Marius.

Footnote: Since almost no one reads this blog on the weekends, I have decided to publish Sunday nights - Thursday nights. On Wednesdays, I hope to post guest blog from fellow authors. We can all learn from each other.