This morning I apologized to God.
I prayed along the lines of "God, I know You're eternal, and outside of time, so You may wonder why I focus on these anniversaries."
Then I realized how silly I was being. God created time and seasons, for one thing. For another, Jesus lived and died in real time. Yet again, God created ceremonies around time. New moon festivals. The Day of Atonement. Passover.
So God created us with a need to commemorate events. What a relief. He understands. He welcomes it.
Still we scream at the heavens. Mom ran across Jolene's obituary in her papers today. She emailed me, saying, "It can't be true. I don't want it to be true. Yet I know it is."
Still, I come to tonight in peace.
My daughter-in-law is almost halfway through her pregnancy. Now, there's a date I welcome in advance.
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4 comments:
I think being plagued with feelings of sin and failure are just part of being sad and exhausted, Darlene.
Give yourself a break.
God bless you.
So glad you have something to look forward to also. A new little life. What a blessing that will be.
Hugs.
Darlene, in my family we had several deaths fall in the month of October, but different years. This is a bittersweet time of year for me. Winter coming on, foliage dropping, sunlight waning, my mother's death...my grandpa's death...my Dad's death...my father-in-law's death. So many that I try not to think of them. We do not mark the anniversaries, or we would weep through October.
Darlene,
After my brother's death, my sister and I marked everything. One week, two weeks, a month... every Friday was horrible for six months, and then it started all over again. Really it was a year before I stopped doing this, stopped thinking it every Friday, every 30th, every everything.
Just know that anniversaries are not a bad thing, if you are thinking those things, it's okay. It's you marking time for the time you need to. There will come a time when you don't mark every single one (and a few when you will feel guilty for doing so).
My mantra during this whole sad time was/is, "It's okay. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to be tired. It's okay. Be gentle with you. Very, very, oh-so gentle."
Staci
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