Guilty Thoughts

Today I had a thought that made me feel guilty--at least in passing.

Between Mom's upcoming surgery, three books to finish before February, and numerous other factors, I am meeting myself coming and going.

Leaving work, I sighed, as I often do, "Oh, Jolene, I miss you so."

And then I thought--this would be so much harder if Jolene were here. Mom's illness would threaten her sense of security and she would do something to focus our attention on her.

I miss Jolene--my sweet, loving girl--but I will not miss the added pressure of helping her through this crisis.

Marius Revisited

Marius' birthday is three days after mine, August 6th. We met for dinner and conversation and celebration last evening.

He's had a good month. At a hearing on Wednesday, he learned that he will be approved to receive SSI payments. That's a huge blessing. His parents took him out for his birthday. This, too, is a blessing, because he often feels shunned by his family.

For the first time, we got through the meal without crying. Even when Marius ordered lemon meringue pie for dessert, his favorite as well as Jolene's.

All three of us have moved forward from a month ago. We sense that life exists at the end of this dark tunnel. Marius nearly always dresses in black. Last night he wore a shirt marbled with black, brown and white. Color! And color in his voice and attitude. He is doing better.

Marius continues to beat himself for Jolene's death. Mom and I hate to see him blame himself. He needs to forgive himself, and to accept God's forgiveness. I don't want guilt to poison his future.

Next time, after Labor Day.

Mom Needs Surgery

"What are the risks of the surgery?" I tried to ask an intelligent question after the doctor casually said Mom needed to have her aorta replaced.

"Heart attack and stroke."

Mom blanched. But I persevered with the next question.

"What are the risks of not having the surgery?"

"An even greater risk of heart attack and stroke, as well as congestive heart failure."

"And the longer she waits ..." I let the statement dangle.

"The weaker she will get." Without his stating it directly, he implied she could reach a point where surgery would no longer be an option.

So easy to make the decision, once we had all the facts.

She goes back on August 29th. The surgery will be shortly after the ACFW conference in Minneapolis.

Mom is terrified. I am more hopeful. After surgery, I hope she will regain some of the energy she has lost in recent months; that she will feel better than she has in a long time. Still, it's a scary prospect.

Those of you who know my sweet Mom also know how anxious she gets about the littlest things. She is battling a desire to finish everything she ever wanted to do--in the next six weeks--in case this is the end. Pray for a balance between frantic activity and being immobilized by anxiety. Pray for me, too, that I will have the extra level of sensitivity and patience that I so often lack.

Thanks for staying with me--with us--through this difficult year.

A New Concern

Mom learned last week that she has "severe" stenosis, that is, a calcification and narrowing of her aorta. Tomorrow she goes to see a cardiologist.

This, only days after she learned that her bone density has decreased by 50%. It feels as if she has become frail overnight.

Mom moved here five years ago after a stroke. Aside from a mild weakness in her right leg, she's enjoyed good health. We have had the freedom to do many things together.

That may be changing. For now, she cannot drive. She hates loses her independence and being a burden on anyone. I am so glad she is here--that we are not separated by 2400 miles while she makes this transition. Yet it is a challenge for me as well, to honor her and care for her while continuing with my other routines.

When you think of us tomorrow, say a prayer.

Verse for the Year

I don't make a habit of choosing a life verse or yearly verse. But when God hands one to me on a platter, I pay attention.

Daniel 12:3 appeared on my scripture calendar last Friday. The same verse is imprinted on the Grandmother's Bible I received for my birthday.

And they that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament; and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars for ever and ever. (NIV)

To be honest, when I first read the verse last Friday, my reaction was "Well, I certainly messed that up this week. I have been anything BUT wise or shining." (I know it's not me in any case, it's God, but I wasn't letting Him do His work.)

Then God repeated the message. Now what?

Today a Christian friend at work sent me an email saying she wishes she could be strong like me. I responded than when her time of testing comes, God will give her the strength she needs--one minute at a time.

So I don't know if the verse is a glimpse into what God wants to do in my life this next year. Or a testimony to what He is already doing, even when I feel so weak and foolish and vulnerable.

But I will return to this verse many times. And see what God else has to tell me.

Any thoughts?

A Birthday Journal

So many wonderful things have happened yesterday and today. Today I will give you details of the day itself.

Mom started off the morning with a card that had the perfect synergy between verse and design, and a present I wanted very much: The Grandmother Bible. She went whole hog and gave me a volume bound in lilac leather. Gorgeous. In addition to the expected 365 devotions, this Bible includes prayers specific to grandchildren, talk points on a wide variety of topics (supposing one of those granddaughters ever ask me for advice), and a variety of other helps. Oh, purple ink, too!

Plate-sized sunflowers adorned our table at Sunday school, with a note that read "Happy Birthday Darlene!" Nine people from our class joined me at Chili's for lunch. They each had a present or card to share. They saved one for the end--telling me that Jolene wouldn't want me to be sad on my birthday, and giving me a gift on her behalf. I cried.

We returned to my apartment for a cookie baking party. Amazing how quick work 6 women can make of 8 dozen cookies! I had prepared the dough on Saturday. We rolled and baked and bagged them to give away to shut ins and prospects.

After they left, I had just enough time to make it to the movie theater, where I watched Swing Vote. I loved it! Back home, phone call with my son, watched the end of Anne of Green Gables the Sequel.

Today my co-workers gave me another party--Streamers, balloons, card, cupcakes. Even the big bosses stopping by to wish me happy birthday--and everyone saying they wanted "to put a smile on my face." They succeeded.

God used so many people to embrace me with His love. Thank you all.

God's Special Birthday Gift

The day finally arrived. It was a wonderful day; I'll give you details tomorrow.

But it started off poorly, leaving for church half an hour late and running into red lights at every opportunity.

About half way to church, Mom said, half as joke, "That's enough, Satan!"

Do you know, we didn't hit another red light?

Starting with those green lights, God opened my eyes to a several unwrapped, unexpected gifts.

Colorado is in the midst of a record-breaking heat wave. I'm one of the few residents who would NOT welcome rain today; it rains almost every year on my birthday. Today it did NOT rain. I had that special treat, sunny skies all day.

We stayed for both Sunday school and the worship service for the first time in a month; Mom has been sick for the past three weeks. Now, there is a real reason to rejoice!

My granddaughter Savanna told me she loved me tonight. Jaran told me how rare that is, coming from a 12½ year old. And he's right. I remember those days! But she wished me a happy birthday and expressed her love.

Oh, and my beloved Rockies won, managing a split of their series with the Florida Marlins.

I'll give you details on the "planned" birthday activities tomorrow.

Thanks for all your love and caring. A computer crisis kept me from posting on Thursday night.