Jolene would have been 25 today. Maybe I’ll buy a cake in remembrance.
Like sitting shiva, another Jewish mourning custom that resonates with me is that of saying Kaddish. Not Kaddish itself...a prayer for the dead...but the length. A full year after death. Something about a year brings some closure, finality, a readiness to move on.
All day Friday people kept trying to jolly me along. I finally told one friend, “I want to wallow in grief today.”
Well, not really. What I did want was permission to remember, to cry, to grieve. Many days I push the tears away and focus on something else. But over the weekend, I wanted to hold Jolene and my loss close to my heart. At last, when it was time to get ready for work, I broke down. Sobs spilled out. Talia (my cat) kept wandering around my legs, echoing my cries with her own.
I met with a writers group on Friday night—a safe place where I could cry and be comforted. Instead I was caught up in passionate debate about the writer’s craft, and story. I’m doing the same thing tomorrow, when a group of friends from church will gather with me after work.
Yesterday our pastor preached about Job, “The Man Who Was Good for Nothing.” He addressed the question of why bad things happen to some people and not to others.
I told him I felt like he had consulted the calendar, noted the anniversary, and planned his sermon with me in mind. He hadn’t, of course. But the Holy Spirit had.
One of the points he made was that God rewarded Job after tragedy struck, and we could expect the same. It left me with a sense of anticipation, as had the words of one of the praise songs. I will leave everything behind, I will follow you for all of my life. I am leaving Denver and going to Oklahoma to begin a new chapter of my life. God has clearly led our steps. I don’t know what God has in mind, but I believe it will be good.
Jolene will always be part of me, but it is time to leave Kaddish behind.
Showing posts with label birthdays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthdays. Show all posts
Monday, March 16, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Mom's Birthday
Mom celebrates her 77th birthday today. I doubt it will be one of her better days.
Why?
Well, she's in rehab--probably the first time she has not celebrated in her own home. Even if I make it in to work early, I won't get to Mom's place until at least supper time. A long, boring day.
She has outlived her mother--as well as her father, one sister and brother and all four grandparents. She is pushing the upper limit of two sisters who made it to 78. (The older she gets, the more scared I get.)
And another big one--her first birthday since Jolene's suicide--the last of the "firsts" (unless you count Valentine's day). Christmas was my last big one to work through, but I feel for the double pain Mom must be experiencing today.
And, oh yes, the 11-month anniversary of Jolene's suicide tomorrow. I won't talk about that today. Maybe Monday or maybe not.
At least, after today, we only have one more first. The one year anniversary, a month from now.
I don't even know if we'll be in the same city in March. Mom may be in Oklahoma. I am here at least until June, when my lease ends. She's excited about the possibility. I'm thankful for that; I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to move again after saying goodbye to her beloved Boothbay to join me in Colorado.
The Monday before the anniversary, I will be speaking at a local ACFW group. They encouraged me to come and "let us love on you." God has also arranged for a friend to come from out of town and another speaking engagement. He's putting together a month that is looking forward, not back. But more about that as the anniversary approaches.
Pray for both of us. For joy in the day. For celebration of another day, another year, we can enjoy together. This past year would have been impossible without Mom's presence and understanding.
Why?
Well, she's in rehab--probably the first time she has not celebrated in her own home. Even if I make it in to work early, I won't get to Mom's place until at least supper time. A long, boring day.
She has outlived her mother--as well as her father, one sister and brother and all four grandparents. She is pushing the upper limit of two sisters who made it to 78. (The older she gets, the more scared I get.)
And another big one--her first birthday since Jolene's suicide--the last of the "firsts" (unless you count Valentine's day). Christmas was my last big one to work through, but I feel for the double pain Mom must be experiencing today.
And, oh yes, the 11-month anniversary of Jolene's suicide tomorrow. I won't talk about that today. Maybe Monday or maybe not.
At least, after today, we only have one more first. The one year anniversary, a month from now.
I don't even know if we'll be in the same city in March. Mom may be in Oklahoma. I am here at least until June, when my lease ends. She's excited about the possibility. I'm thankful for that; I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to move again after saying goodbye to her beloved Boothbay to join me in Colorado.
The Monday before the anniversary, I will be speaking at a local ACFW group. They encouraged me to come and "let us love on you." God has also arranged for a friend to come from out of town and another speaking engagement. He's putting together a month that is looking forward, not back. But more about that as the anniversary approaches.
Pray for both of us. For joy in the day. For celebration of another day, another year, we can enjoy together. This past year would have been impossible without Mom's presence and understanding.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Thoughts on Jolene's father
This weekend is a triple-whammy for my ex-husband: he celebrated (or endured, if it was anything like mine) his birthday - and it was one of the biggies. Sixty. It's also yet another first holiday without Jolene, not that Labor Day ever meant a lot. He also recently lost a job, so it's been a difficult year.
I don't know how John is dealing with grief; we don't talk much. Perhaps he suffered through agonies of grief during the years after our divorce, when he was barred from seeing Jolene. Or perhaps that past loss echoes in his heart now, as if he has lost her twice.
Before she died, Jolene visited Oklahoma two separate times, to see her brother and her father. I am glad he has at least that memory to draw on.
God has done a work in my heart, that I can feel concern for my ex. My thoughts and prayers are with you, John. No parent should suffer this pain.
I don't know how John is dealing with grief; we don't talk much. Perhaps he suffered through agonies of grief during the years after our divorce, when he was barred from seeing Jolene. Or perhaps that past loss echoes in his heart now, as if he has lost her twice.
Before she died, Jolene visited Oklahoma two separate times, to see her brother and her father. I am glad he has at least that memory to draw on.
God has done a work in my heart, that I can feel concern for my ex. My thoughts and prayers are with you, John. No parent should suffer this pain.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Marius Revisited
Marius' birthday is three days after mine, August 6th. We met for dinner and conversation and celebration last evening.
He's had a good month. At a hearing on Wednesday, he learned that he will be approved to receive SSI payments. That's a huge blessing. His parents took him out for his birthday. This, too, is a blessing, because he often feels shunned by his family.
For the first time, we got through the meal without crying. Even when Marius ordered lemon meringue pie for dessert, his favorite as well as Jolene's.
All three of us have moved forward from a month ago. We sense that life exists at the end of this dark tunnel. Marius nearly always dresses in black. Last night he wore a shirt marbled with black, brown and white. Color! And color in his voice and attitude. He is doing better.
Marius continues to beat himself for Jolene's death. Mom and I hate to see him blame himself. He needs to forgive himself, and to accept God's forgiveness. I don't want guilt to poison his future.
Next time, after Labor Day.
He's had a good month. At a hearing on Wednesday, he learned that he will be approved to receive SSI payments. That's a huge blessing. His parents took him out for his birthday. This, too, is a blessing, because he often feels shunned by his family.
For the first time, we got through the meal without crying. Even when Marius ordered lemon meringue pie for dessert, his favorite as well as Jolene's.
All three of us have moved forward from a month ago. We sense that life exists at the end of this dark tunnel. Marius nearly always dresses in black. Last night he wore a shirt marbled with black, brown and white. Color! And color in his voice and attitude. He is doing better.
Marius continues to beat himself for Jolene's death. Mom and I hate to see him blame himself. He needs to forgive himself, and to accept God's forgiveness. I don't want guilt to poison his future.
Next time, after Labor Day.
Monday, August 4, 2008
A Birthday Journal
So many wonderful things have happened yesterday and today. Today I will give you details of the day itself.
Mom started off the morning with a card that had the perfect synergy between verse and design, and a present I wanted very much: The Grandmother Bible. She went whole hog and gave me a volume bound in lilac leather. Gorgeous. In addition to the expected 365 devotions, this Bible includes prayers specific to grandchildren, talk points on a wide variety of topics (supposing one of those granddaughters ever ask me for advice), and a variety of other helps. Oh, purple ink, too!
Plate-sized sunflowers adorned our table at Sunday school, with a note that read "Happy Birthday Darlene!" Nine people from our class joined me at Chili's for lunch. They each had a present or card to share. They saved one for the end--telling me that Jolene wouldn't want me to be sad on my birthday, and giving me a gift on her behalf. I cried.
We returned to my apartment for a cookie baking party. Amazing how quick work 6 women can make of 8 dozen cookies! I had prepared the dough on Saturday. We rolled and baked and bagged them to give away to shut ins and prospects.
After they left, I had just enough time to make it to the movie theater, where I watched Swing Vote. I loved it! Back home, phone call with my son, watched the end of Anne of Green Gables the Sequel.
Today my co-workers gave me another party--Streamers, balloons, card, cupcakes. Even the big bosses stopping by to wish me happy birthday--and everyone saying they wanted "to put a smile on my face." They succeeded.
God used so many people to embrace me with His love. Thank you all.
Mom started off the morning with a card that had the perfect synergy between verse and design, and a present I wanted very much: The Grandmother Bible. She went whole hog and gave me a volume bound in lilac leather. Gorgeous. In addition to the expected 365 devotions, this Bible includes prayers specific to grandchildren, talk points on a wide variety of topics (supposing one of those granddaughters ever ask me for advice), and a variety of other helps. Oh, purple ink, too!
Plate-sized sunflowers adorned our table at Sunday school, with a note that read "Happy Birthday Darlene!" Nine people from our class joined me at Chili's for lunch. They each had a present or card to share. They saved one for the end--telling me that Jolene wouldn't want me to be sad on my birthday, and giving me a gift on her behalf. I cried.
We returned to my apartment for a cookie baking party. Amazing how quick work 6 women can make of 8 dozen cookies! I had prepared the dough on Saturday. We rolled and baked and bagged them to give away to shut ins and prospects.
After they left, I had just enough time to make it to the movie theater, where I watched Swing Vote. I loved it! Back home, phone call with my son, watched the end of Anne of Green Gables the Sequel.
Today my co-workers gave me another party--Streamers, balloons, card, cupcakes. Even the big bosses stopping by to wish me happy birthday--and everyone saying they wanted "to put a smile on my face." They succeeded.
God used so many people to embrace me with His love. Thank you all.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
God's Special Birthday Gift
The day finally arrived. It was a wonderful day; I'll give you details tomorrow.
But it started off poorly, leaving for church half an hour late and running into red lights at every opportunity.
About half way to church, Mom said, half as joke, "That's enough, Satan!"
Do you know, we didn't hit another red light?
Starting with those green lights, God opened my eyes to a several unwrapped, unexpected gifts.
Colorado is in the midst of a record-breaking heat wave. I'm one of the few residents who would NOT welcome rain today; it rains almost every year on my birthday. Today it did NOT rain. I had that special treat, sunny skies all day.
We stayed for both Sunday school and the worship service for the first time in a month; Mom has been sick for the past three weeks. Now, there is a real reason to rejoice!
My granddaughter Savanna told me she loved me tonight. Jaran told me how rare that is, coming from a 12½ year old. And he's right. I remember those days! But she wished me a happy birthday and expressed her love.
Oh, and my beloved Rockies won, managing a split of their series with the Florida Marlins.
I'll give you details on the "planned" birthday activities tomorrow.
Thanks for all your love and caring. A computer crisis kept me from posting on Thursday night.
But it started off poorly, leaving for church half an hour late and running into red lights at every opportunity.
About half way to church, Mom said, half as joke, "That's enough, Satan!"
Do you know, we didn't hit another red light?
Starting with those green lights, God opened my eyes to a several unwrapped, unexpected gifts.
Colorado is in the midst of a record-breaking heat wave. I'm one of the few residents who would NOT welcome rain today; it rains almost every year on my birthday. Today it did NOT rain. I had that special treat, sunny skies all day.
We stayed for both Sunday school and the worship service for the first time in a month; Mom has been sick for the past three weeks. Now, there is a real reason to rejoice!
My granddaughter Savanna told me she loved me tonight. Jaran told me how rare that is, coming from a 12½ year old. And he's right. I remember those days! But she wished me a happy birthday and expressed her love.
Oh, and my beloved Rockies won, managing a split of their series with the Florida Marlins.
I'll give you details on the "planned" birthday activities tomorrow.
Thanks for all your love and caring. A computer crisis kept me from posting on Thursday night.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Birthday Blues
This week, the blues are back. (I knew the sunny feeling that dominated most of July wouldn't last forever.) I'm cycling back through deep grief.
Sunday will be the first birthday in thirty years I've celebrated without my daughter.
I will be 54. Jolene was 23 when she died. Another reminder that time has frozen for her. Not 29 years younger than I am (she would have turned 25 next March), not 30 years younger than I am (she would be 24 now)--but 31 years. An additional year that will stretch longer as time goes by.
Jolene and I both had birthdays on the same day of the week. A small thing that made us feel connected in some strange way, now broken.
This family holiday will be the hardest we've faced yet.
Sunday will be the first birthday in thirty years I've celebrated without my daughter.
I will be 54. Jolene was 23 when she died. Another reminder that time has frozen for her. Not 29 years younger than I am (she would have turned 25 next March), not 30 years younger than I am (she would be 24 now)--but 31 years. An additional year that will stretch longer as time goes by.
Jolene and I both had birthdays on the same day of the week. A small thing that made us feel connected in some strange way, now broken.
This family holiday will be the hardest we've faced yet.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Birthdays
Happy or sad? Or both? Nah, I'll save one for tomorrow.
I'll continue with thoughts from yesterday.
A friend wrote to me today about her daughter's wedding plans. In a purely selfish moment, I said, "I'll never get to experience that." (Selfish because I don't want to diminish her joy.)
It made me think again of the feeling of amputation. Everyone who has two legs continues to walk. They feel badly for my missing leg, but ... they walk. They have places to go, things to do, life to live.
Whereas, I stumble around on one leg. Trying to figure out props will help me move. Knowing that nothing will ever be the same as having my own leg attached at the hip, no matter what I do.
Something as simple as looking forward to my next three-pay-check month (only twice a year). The next month falls in August, when I am paid on the 1, 15, and 29.
Mom said, "That means your birthday will be on a Sunday" (August 3rd).
And the same thought struck both of us at the same time. Just like Jolene's birthday was a Sunday. Our birthdays always fell? fall? on the same day of the week. Mom cried.
My next birthday reminded of us last year--the hours Jolene spent decorating the living room--she made and decorated the cake. I looked at the ceiling fan and said, "We'll never drape crepe paper from corner to corner again." Jolene worked so hard to make it a special day for me, that she was too tired to enjoy it.
A year of firsts. A new guests to my blog said today that birthdays will be hard. I believe it. But God will see us through. I hold onto that.
Tomorrow maybe I'll share my happy story.
I'll continue with thoughts from yesterday.
A friend wrote to me today about her daughter's wedding plans. In a purely selfish moment, I said, "I'll never get to experience that." (Selfish because I don't want to diminish her joy.)
It made me think again of the feeling of amputation. Everyone who has two legs continues to walk. They feel badly for my missing leg, but ... they walk. They have places to go, things to do, life to live.
Whereas, I stumble around on one leg. Trying to figure out props will help me move. Knowing that nothing will ever be the same as having my own leg attached at the hip, no matter what I do.
Something as simple as looking forward to my next three-pay-check month (only twice a year). The next month falls in August, when I am paid on the 1, 15, and 29.
Mom said, "That means your birthday will be on a Sunday" (August 3rd).
And the same thought struck both of us at the same time. Just like Jolene's birthday was a Sunday. Our birthdays always fell? fall? on the same day of the week. Mom cried.
My next birthday reminded of us last year--the hours Jolene spent decorating the living room--she made and decorated the cake. I looked at the ceiling fan and said, "We'll never drape crepe paper from corner to corner again." Jolene worked so hard to make it a special day for me, that she was too tired to enjoy it.
A year of firsts. A new guests to my blog said today that birthdays will be hard. I believe it. But God will see us through. I hold onto that.
Tomorrow maybe I'll share my happy story.
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