A wise friend told me yesterday that now I have become my mother; the family story lives on with me, filtered through my spirit and life experiences. As Jaran attempted to contain Jordan as we made funeral arrangements today, I thought of that.
Jordan charms everyone she meets. Today she was dressed in a charming pink-and-brown dressed pants set, complete with pink ruffles. She was wearing her squeakie shoes that works better than GPS at locating her. She paused at every person she met, waved happily and said "hi." When they waved back, she was ready to follow them into their offices.
Watching her made me think of a story Mom told about me. I wasn't much older than Jordan--maybe 2 years old?--when I decided to go on an outing into town. I grabbed a purse and toddled down the road to the local diner. By the time Mom (or my babysitter, don't know which), found me, I was sitting high atop a swivel seat drinking pop. Happy, unaware I had done anything dangerous.
I can see Jordan doing exactly that. Except she would add one of her mother's necklaces to her ensemble and she'd be dressed in slacks or shorts instead of a dress.
Mom, your legacy lives on. In me, In your grandson. In your granddaughter. In your unborn grandchild whose first ultrasound "picture" I saw today.
The Lord blesses the righteous.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Mom's Gone Home
This morning I got THE call. Someone from the hospital called to say "you'd better get here as soon as you can."
"You mean she's ..."
"We know she's DNR and we're keeping her as comfortable as we can. It's the rush hour. Take a deep breath, drive safe. She's not alone."
I jumped into my clothes and drove sedately through two school zones to reach the hospital. I couldn't help thinking about last Monday's blog, how I said I felt it was time, and then how all week her vital signs have been stable and she seemed to be getting stronger ... Yesterday she was hallucinating (barbecuing fish inside an animal's stomach?)and in a great deal of pain from a kidney infection.
The nurse said she suffered a heart attack. She lay on the bed, raspy, difficult breathing. I held her hand. "I love you, Mama." And I sang to her, songs from our old CMA days, Fanny Crosby songs. Songs of my childhood.
A friend from church came in, and then the pastor. Mom's breathing slowed even further and her pulse dropped further. I began singing again: Amazing Grace. Oh, How I Love Jesus. Oh, How He Loves You and Me. As I finished singing, Pastor Jason touched my arm and pointed me to the monitor showing all heart activity had stopped. He said, "You sang her home." Her homegoing was very peaceful.
Jaran arrived moments later.
We don't have any details yet as far as services.
Thank you all for praying with us through this difficult time. I am numb but at peace with the way everything happened.
"You mean she's ..."
"We know she's DNR and we're keeping her as comfortable as we can. It's the rush hour. Take a deep breath, drive safe. She's not alone."
I jumped into my clothes and drove sedately through two school zones to reach the hospital. I couldn't help thinking about last Monday's blog, how I said I felt it was time, and then how all week her vital signs have been stable and she seemed to be getting stronger ... Yesterday she was hallucinating (barbecuing fish inside an animal's stomach?)and in a great deal of pain from a kidney infection.
The nurse said she suffered a heart attack. She lay on the bed, raspy, difficult breathing. I held her hand. "I love you, Mama." And I sang to her, songs from our old CMA days, Fanny Crosby songs. Songs of my childhood.
A friend from church came in, and then the pastor. Mom's breathing slowed even further and her pulse dropped further. I began singing again: Amazing Grace. Oh, How I Love Jesus. Oh, How He Loves You and Me. As I finished singing, Pastor Jason touched my arm and pointed me to the monitor showing all heart activity had stopped. He said, "You sang her home." Her homegoing was very peaceful.
Jaran arrived moments later.
We don't have any details yet as far as services.
Thank you all for praying with us through this difficult time. I am numb but at peace with the way everything happened.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Letting Go--Mom
Mom may be dying.
Of course the doctors won't say so, and at the moment her vital signs are stable. I may be wrong. But mild dementia has become pretty severe; she's worn out, body and mind; and in constant pain.
When Mom struggled so after her heart valve surgery, and I feared I would lose her, I prayed, "Lord, I'm not ready. It's too soon after losing Jolene." And God spared her, and spared me that unbearable pain.
This time, Mom went into the hospital because of pain in her back, hips and legs. When I saw her that night, every breath a groan of pain fraught with effort, I prayed, "Lord, take her home if this is what her life will be like." I can't imagine life without her--but I don't want her to suffer like this.
They've determined the pain is due to a hematoma on a muscle in her pelvis and untreatable. But by the time they figured that out, a host of other problems had erupted. She almost coded last Monday. She can't swallow at all, so she's being fed via a feeding tube, her mouth is dreadfully dry, and she's on oxygen. She refused to let the cardiologist do an angiogram.
Visits are hard. She lies on the bed, eyes wide open. Every small noise startles her. Her speech is difficult to understand. She doesn't want the television on. We've tried reading to her, but she doesn't like that either. So I sit in silence, speaking every now and then. I'm largely numb.
On Friday Mom turned 78; and she moved to a long term acute care hospital. She's in the ICU at Kindred Hospital.
Thanks for your care and your continued prayers.
Of course the doctors won't say so, and at the moment her vital signs are stable. I may be wrong. But mild dementia has become pretty severe; she's worn out, body and mind; and in constant pain.
When Mom struggled so after her heart valve surgery, and I feared I would lose her, I prayed, "Lord, I'm not ready. It's too soon after losing Jolene." And God spared her, and spared me that unbearable pain.
This time, Mom went into the hospital because of pain in her back, hips and legs. When I saw her that night, every breath a groan of pain fraught with effort, I prayed, "Lord, take her home if this is what her life will be like." I can't imagine life without her--but I don't want her to suffer like this.
They've determined the pain is due to a hematoma on a muscle in her pelvis and untreatable. But by the time they figured that out, a host of other problems had erupted. She almost coded last Monday. She can't swallow at all, so she's being fed via a feeding tube, her mouth is dreadfully dry, and she's on oxygen. She refused to let the cardiologist do an angiogram.
Visits are hard. She lies on the bed, eyes wide open. Every small noise startles her. Her speech is difficult to understand. She doesn't want the television on. We've tried reading to her, but she doesn't like that either. So I sit in silence, speaking every now and then. I'm largely numb.
On Friday Mom turned 78; and she moved to a long term acute care hospital. She's in the ICU at Kindred Hospital.
Thanks for your care and your continued prayers.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
January Books
Before I dive into my favorite books read in January, let me mention a new book I'm eager to read (it's on the shelves now--hurry and get it!)
Love Finds You in Bridal Veil, Oregon by Miralee Ferrell promises another heartwarming historical romance from the Love Finds You series from Summerside Press. Margaret Garvey is torn between old and new loves. Through in a dash of disaster and mystery, and it's a must-read. I'll let you know next month after I've had a chance to read it.
As for books read this month: With only reading nonfiction 10 minutes or so a day, I usually take a long time to get through an entire book. But I found a couple of quick reads which both resonated with me:
When Answers Aren't Enough by Matt Rogers. Written by the chaplain at Virginia Tech, the subtitle says it all: "Experiencing God as good when life isn't." Short, wisdom-filled chapters echoed many of the lessons God taught me after Jolene's death. I highly recommend it.
90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper with Cecil Murphey. I shy away from sensationalism so I only read this book because my mother bought it and I wanted to see what made it a bestseller. Let me say now, it's NOT sensational. Reading Piper's description of meeting his loved ones in heaven gave me great comfort. I am now looking forward to Jolene running to greet me when my time comes.
Coming back to my favorite genre--mysteries--I read two excellent Christian mysteries: Candy-Coated Secrets by Cindy Hickey, one of the cozy mysteries produced by Barbour; and The Lost Sheep, hard-boiled P.I. by Brandt Dodson from Harvest House.
Love Finds You in Bridal Veil, Oregon by Miralee Ferrell promises another heartwarming historical romance from the Love Finds You series from Summerside Press. Margaret Garvey is torn between old and new loves. Through in a dash of disaster and mystery, and it's a must-read. I'll let you know next month after I've had a chance to read it.
As for books read this month: With only reading nonfiction 10 minutes or so a day, I usually take a long time to get through an entire book. But I found a couple of quick reads which both resonated with me:
When Answers Aren't Enough by Matt Rogers. Written by the chaplain at Virginia Tech, the subtitle says it all: "Experiencing God as good when life isn't." Short, wisdom-filled chapters echoed many of the lessons God taught me after Jolene's death. I highly recommend it.
90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper with Cecil Murphey. I shy away from sensationalism so I only read this book because my mother bought it and I wanted to see what made it a bestseller. Let me say now, it's NOT sensational. Reading Piper's description of meeting his loved ones in heaven gave me great comfort. I am now looking forward to Jolene running to greet me when my time comes.
Coming back to my favorite genre--mysteries--I read two excellent Christian mysteries: Candy-Coated Secrets by Cindy Hickey, one of the cozy mysteries produced by Barbour; and The Lost Sheep, hard-boiled P.I. by Brandt Dodson from Harvest House.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Love One Another
Last night I listened to my pastor "state of the church" address. Church leaders had taken a survey and compared to results to data compiled from 50,000 churches in 70 countries. We are strong in several areas: passionate spirituality. Gift-based ministry. Needs-based evangelism.
Their weakest area? Love for each other. That surprised me. From my first visit, the people have enveloped me with love and tugged and forced me out of lethargy. But our pastor challenged us: do we feel like we can't crack into the "inner circle"? Do we truly trust one another? When was the last time we invited someone over for dinner?
I'm new to the congregation, and I decided on two ways to show my love and trustworthiness: one is to simply get there every week. The second? Make a concerted effort to learn everyone's names. In time, I will need to expand but I think those are good starting points!
Great sermon. We don't need a new program to grow.
We just need to obey His commands.
Their weakest area? Love for each other. That surprised me. From my first visit, the people have enveloped me with love and tugged and forced me out of lethargy. But our pastor challenged us: do we feel like we can't crack into the "inner circle"? Do we truly trust one another? When was the last time we invited someone over for dinner?
I'm new to the congregation, and I decided on two ways to show my love and trustworthiness: one is to simply get there every week. The second? Make a concerted effort to learn everyone's names. In time, I will need to expand but I think those are good starting points!
Great sermon. We don't need a new program to grow.
We just need to obey His commands.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Friendship
James Qwilleran, human protagonist of Lillian Jackson Braun's "Cat Who" mysteries, writes a regular column for the Moose County Something. When he runs out of ideas, he asks Koko to choose a word from the dictionary and he writes 1,000 words on that subject.
That's how I feel today. What do I write about? Suggest a topic, any topic.
Not too many months ago I felt as though I would never make a friend here in Oklahoma City. Now, thanks largely to my church, I have people who call and email me. How are you? How is the car running? (The battery needed a charge during last week's cold snap.) Did you finish the book you were writing? Do you want to go to lunch? I now have new names to add to my prayer list, taking priority over Denver contacts I might not have seen for a year or more.
When I mentioned this to a dear friend, he asked me: "For a reasonably friendly (if not outgoing, and probably extremely shy) guy, I have difficulty making friends in new places ..... Any idea how I might change that?"
How I could relate. I told him how lonely I've felt at fellowship dinners where the only conversation is what I initiate. Have you ever felt that way? What would you say to someone in that quandrary?
Thanks to all of you who have proved to be such dear friends.
That's how I feel today. What do I write about? Suggest a topic, any topic.
Not too many months ago I felt as though I would never make a friend here in Oklahoma City. Now, thanks largely to my church, I have people who call and email me. How are you? How is the car running? (The battery needed a charge during last week's cold snap.) Did you finish the book you were writing? Do you want to go to lunch? I now have new names to add to my prayer list, taking priority over Denver contacts I might not have seen for a year or more.
When I mentioned this to a dear friend, he asked me: "For a reasonably friendly (if not outgoing, and probably extremely shy) guy, I have difficulty making friends in new places ..... Any idea how I might change that?"
How I could relate. I told him how lonely I've felt at fellowship dinners where the only conversation is what I initiate. Have you ever felt that way? What would you say to someone in that quandrary?
Thanks to all of you who have proved to be such dear friends.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
I Have a Dream
And not just because Martin Luther King day is around the corner.
Last week I learned that I probably have 2 more new books, plus a definite "repack" of Beacon of Love with 2 other Rhode Island stories this summer (Seaside Romance).
Yes! Rejoicing! But I still stared at my checkbook and the calendar and wondered, "How will I manage financially?" Because a promised contract today will only translate into money in the future. Should I make a serious attempt to find a part-time job to supplement my income?
I still don't know the exact answer to that question. But God changed my lens.
When I moved to Oklahoma, I could count my books in print on one hand: Romanian Rhapsody; Gunfight at Grace Gulch; A String of Murders; Beacon of Love; Snowbound Colorado Christmas. Add contracts for two more books to those five.
Today, seven months later, I have contracts or promises for ... count them ... eight more books. Doubled.
Could God have made His blessing on my jump of faith any more clear?
Why did it take me so long to see it?
This day has been a long time coming. Financially, my future is far from secure. But God has brought His purpose--my dream--to pass.
What are you dreaming for today?
God can make that impossible dream happen.
Oh, for those of you who prayed for me last week: Thanks! I was up between 7-9 every day. Still not settling in to sleep easily at night, but half the problem is solved.
Last week I learned that I probably have 2 more new books, plus a definite "repack" of Beacon of Love with 2 other Rhode Island stories this summer (Seaside Romance).
Yes! Rejoicing! But I still stared at my checkbook and the calendar and wondered, "How will I manage financially?" Because a promised contract today will only translate into money in the future. Should I make a serious attempt to find a part-time job to supplement my income?
I still don't know the exact answer to that question. But God changed my lens.
When I moved to Oklahoma, I could count my books in print on one hand: Romanian Rhapsody; Gunfight at Grace Gulch; A String of Murders; Beacon of Love; Snowbound Colorado Christmas. Add contracts for two more books to those five.
Today, seven months later, I have contracts or promises for ... count them ... eight more books. Doubled.
Could God have made His blessing on my jump of faith any more clear?
Why did it take me so long to see it?
This day has been a long time coming. Financially, my future is far from secure. But God has brought His purpose--my dream--to pass.
What are you dreaming for today?
God can make that impossible dream happen.
Oh, for those of you who prayed for me last week: Thanks! I was up between 7-9 every day. Still not settling in to sleep easily at night, but half the problem is solved.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
