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Monday, February 15, 2010

Letting Go--Mom

Mom may be dying.

Of course the doctors won't say so, and at the moment her vital signs are stable. I may be wrong. But mild dementia has become pretty severe; she's worn out, body and mind; and in constant pain.

When Mom struggled so after her heart valve surgery, and I feared I would lose her, I prayed, "Lord, I'm not ready. It's too soon after losing Jolene." And God spared her, and spared me that unbearable pain.

This time, Mom went into the hospital because of pain in her back, hips and legs. When I saw her that night, every breath a groan of pain fraught with effort, I prayed, "Lord, take her home if this is what her life will be like." I can't imagine life without her--but I don't want her to suffer like this.

They've determined the pain is due to a hematoma on a muscle in her pelvis and untreatable. But by the time they figured that out, a host of other problems had erupted. She almost coded last Monday. She can't swallow at all, so she's being fed via a feeding tube, her mouth is dreadfully dry, and she's on oxygen. She refused to let the cardiologist do an angiogram.

Visits are hard. She lies on the bed, eyes wide open. Every small noise startles her. Her speech is difficult to understand. She doesn't want the television on. We've tried reading to her, but she doesn't like that either. So I sit in silence, speaking every now and then. I'm largely numb.

On Friday Mom turned 78; and she moved to a long term acute care hospital. She's in the ICU at Kindred Hospital.

Thanks for your care and your continued prayers.

12 comments:

Sandi Rog said...

Oh, Darlene. I can't imagine the pain, not just for you mom, but for you. My heart is breaking. I love you and will pray. xxx

Donita K. Paul said...

My mother died in 2002. Hospice was so good to her, and they made it easier for me and the rest of the family. And it was easier for me to let go, because I knew she would be free from pain and the worn out shell of a body. Praying for you both, Darlene.

Ruthie said...

So sorry about your mom - but you are right, you don't want her to suffer.
Have you thought about Hospice? They were SO helpful with my mother-in-law in her last days...they kept her comfortable and helped us emotionally. You might check that out. It is extremely helpful to the patient and to the family.
My prayers are with you. And God will give you the grace you need at this time, when you need it.

Janet Lee Barton said...

Darlene, I know how very hard this is. I'm so sorry. Praying for you.

Tracy Ruckman said...

I'm so sorry, my friend. We're praying.

Tami said...

Oh, Darlene. I'm so sorry. You both are in our prayers.

Candice Speare said...

I'm praying, Darlene. I'm so sorry.

Lisa Harris said...

Praying for you and your mother right now, Darlene.

Jan Parrish said...

My heart and prayers go out to you. Keep us up to date.

Rhonda Gibson said...

You know dear friend that you both are in my prayers. Hang in there. Love ya.

Momstheword said...

Dreadful situation. So sorry. When my 95 year old mother started fading away, a very good friend, who is a doctor (but not Mom's or mine} said 'don't hook her up to anything you will have to unhook." She had the flu but was having no difficulty breathing nor did she show any distress. So thankful she wasn't on a ventilator. Just keep in mind that your Mom will be completely healed the second she hits Heaven's door. God bless you. P.S. Just finished your book "Gunfight at Grace Gulch". Enjoyed it very much.

Karin said...

Hugs to you~~ You and your mother are in my prayers.