Today I went back to work. After half my normal hours, I felt like I had worked an entire shift. Tomorrow I'll ask my boss if I can work half-days for a couple of weeks. Six hours was too much.
But going to work was good for me. For periods of time, my mind was caught up in my work and the book I was listening to on tape. When I wanted to talk, I'd turn around, and chat with my seatmate about how my cat handled the stress of last week or about one person who is (repeatedly) expressing her sympathy in a way that makes me uncomfortable. My coworker understands, and when I turn around and go back to work, he doesn't feel offended.
In fact, my coworkers have bowled me over with their kindness. They sent a gigantic floral display and collected almost $175 additional as a gift. Six or seven of them left work to attend the memorial service on Friday, and today, everybody was ready with a hug, a quiet word of concern, an offer of help.
I left work at my usual hour. When I pulled into the parking lot, grief landed on my heart, increasing its weight a thousand percent. The full horror and pain of my loss jumped on and dug in claws.
At least our cat Talia (a lynx point Siamese) has returned to normal. She raced around the house and through a maze, glad that her two moms have spent a normal day without unexpected guests. Her sheer joy and relief gave me a reason to smile.
God has seen me through another first, going back to work. Another first. Tomorrow morning I go to file for death benefits.
By God's grace as shown through all of you, I know I will make it.
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6 comments:
I'm glad to read that your co-workers are being so supportive. And I'm amazed at your strength. You're an inspiration to me--a humbling one, and I mentioned you in my blog for today. Thank you for your testimony. God's grace and blessings on you.
A friend warned me that people would tell me I was strong when inside I felt like mush. Thanks for the support.
Darlene, a friend of mine who lost a still-born child said the first day she went a whole day without thinking of her child, rather than feeling like there was healing going on, the guilt was terrible.
So now you can think of little else and, when you finally can think of other things, this will still be there ambushing you.
I doubt if my writing that helps but this is just a ... a toxic waste dump of emotions and you have to allow yourself to feel it all because you can't NOT feel it all anyway, so expect it, accept it.
God bless you. I'm so sorry for your loss
Blame and guilt lurk nearby. Plenty of that esp. in a suicide, but so far God is protecting me from allowing it to take ahold. I'm just busy trying to control what's going on, which drives everyone around me mad.
Darlene, I am so sorry for your sudden loss. May God wrap his arms around you and bring you some measure of comfort, if even in small ways.
Darlene, here are prayers and cyberhugs. In the grace of His Resurrection, I see Jesus holding Jolene close. As I see Him holding you.
Bask in His amazing grace.
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