Inspired by Carla Gade's writing prompt at http://writingtodistraction.blogspot.com/:
I am from Ellis Island and mystery, high school sweethearts and faith hope and charity. I am from strong women, three mothers and loneliness. I am from poodles and chocolate glazed mayonnaise cake. I’m from red velvet dresses and braided rugs.
I am from rocks and rills, crashing waves and fog horns. I am from “ayuh” and Hahvahd Yahd. I’m from biting black flies and chirping chickadees. I’m from lilac bushes in spring and bouquets of wildflowers in summer. I’m from riding bicycles around the block and long walks along the coast line. I’m from Yaz and the Big Cat, marching band and Number 7. I’m from three-room schools and Chizzle Wizzle.
I am from “Do not ask what your country can do for you” and “I have a dream” and “Old Enough to Fight, Old Enough to Vote.” I am from My Boy Bill and Bach and the Beatles. I’m from Dr. Seuss and Nancy Drew, Charles Dickens and Dick Francis. I’m from “those were the days” and Walton’s mountain.
I’m from the Other Son of Man and “if it was Greek, I’d understand it.” I’m from Vacation Bible School and “In the beginning.” I’m from Sunday night hymn sings and “Wonderful Grace of Jesus.” I’m from “Why?” Doesn’t Matter Anymore. I’m from neither height nor depth and from the deep, deep love of Jesus.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Plain Spoken
God must know I need answers spelled out clearly with the muddle my heart and mind are in at present.
On Friday I asked God for a "sandwich" to replace Mom above and Jolene below. In my Saturday quiet time I reread a familiar verse: You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Say "sandwich" with me.
Saturday night, I was questioning whether I was wrong in believing I am a gifted speaker/teacher (when I make the mistake of seeing others getting opportunities I have asked for). That very night, I receive an email requesting permission to reproduce my handout on "Empowering Your Writing Through Your Spiritual Gifts." The requestor said, "I would like to be able to give it to them because I think it succinctly explains gifts and how to include that in our characters, plot, setting, and theme, even though that isn't necessarily the focus of my talk."
Affirmation.
The ladies' Bible study at church is working through the "Stepping Up" study by Beth Moore. One of the sidebars reads "God never more closely surrounds us than when He lifts us to His breast and carries us home." I broke out in tears.
The same study directed me to Psalm 30: "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."
Amen.
On Friday I asked God for a "sandwich" to replace Mom above and Jolene below. In my Saturday quiet time I reread a familiar verse: You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Say "sandwich" with me.
Saturday night, I was questioning whether I was wrong in believing I am a gifted speaker/teacher (when I make the mistake of seeing others getting opportunities I have asked for). That very night, I receive an email requesting permission to reproduce my handout on "Empowering Your Writing Through Your Spiritual Gifts." The requestor said, "I would like to be able to give it to them because I think it succinctly explains gifts and how to include that in our characters, plot, setting, and theme, even though that isn't necessarily the focus of my talk."
Affirmation.
The ladies' Bible study at church is working through the "Stepping Up" study by Beth Moore. One of the sidebars reads "God never more closely surrounds us than when He lifts us to His breast and carries us home." I broke out in tears.
The same study directed me to Psalm 30: "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."
Amen.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Dancing with Grief Plus Two Years
In a little under two years, I have lost both daughter and mother. Tomorrow marks two years since Jolene ended her life.
How is this different than the first anniversary?
Two major things slam home. One is: In my thoughts, Jolene is now a part of my past, not my present. How wonderful that she continues to live in God's eternal now, in the presence of the great I am. But I no longer picture her walking back onto my stage and reentering my life.
The second is: Mom's death echoes Jolene's, increasing the grief. A friend said "Grief is one thing that doesn't get easier with practice." No, instead I think it increases exponentially. In today's prayer journal, I asked God to replace my sandwich covering (Mom above and Jolene below) with Christian friends who would stand by either side. And He is.
A year ago I wrote that I wanted to wallow in grief over the anniversary. This year, I feel a deep sadness, and yes, depression, but overwhelming grief? No.
God also reminded me to put the past behind me and press forward. Both in terms of the people I have lost, but also the place. Instead of comparing everything in Oklahoma City (often unfavorably) to Denver, to instead plant my heart as well as my feet in Oklahoma City.
Being here does make the grieving easier. In Denver, every event, place, meal, reminded me of things I had done with Mom and Jolene. It's easier to forge new memories here in Oklahoma without that baggage. Instead of Mom and Jolene, I picture the group from church that oftens goes out for dinner at Sunday church; or the many wonderful memories with my son's family.
Mom and Jolene enjoy God's eternal now. Some day I will join them.
Until then, I will seek to live life to the full.
How is this different than the first anniversary?
Two major things slam home. One is: In my thoughts, Jolene is now a part of my past, not my present. How wonderful that she continues to live in God's eternal now, in the presence of the great I am. But I no longer picture her walking back onto my stage and reentering my life.
The second is: Mom's death echoes Jolene's, increasing the grief. A friend said "Grief is one thing that doesn't get easier with practice." No, instead I think it increases exponentially. In today's prayer journal, I asked God to replace my sandwich covering (Mom above and Jolene below) with Christian friends who would stand by either side. And He is.
A year ago I wrote that I wanted to wallow in grief over the anniversary. This year, I feel a deep sadness, and yes, depression, but overwhelming grief? No.
God also reminded me to put the past behind me and press forward. Both in terms of the people I have lost, but also the place. Instead of comparing everything in Oklahoma City (often unfavorably) to Denver, to instead plant my heart as well as my feet in Oklahoma City.
Being here does make the grieving easier. In Denver, every event, place, meal, reminded me of things I had done with Mom and Jolene. It's easier to forge new memories here in Oklahoma without that baggage. Instead of Mom and Jolene, I picture the group from church that oftens goes out for dinner at Sunday church; or the many wonderful memories with my son's family.
Mom and Jolene enjoy God's eternal now. Some day I will join them.
Until then, I will seek to live life to the full.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Family Story Lives On
A wise friend told me yesterday that now I have become my mother; the family story lives on with me, filtered through my spirit and life experiences. As Jaran attempted to contain Jordan as we made funeral arrangements today, I thought of that.
Jordan charms everyone she meets. Today she was dressed in a charming pink-and-brown dressed pants set, complete with pink ruffles. She was wearing her squeakie shoes that works better than GPS at locating her. She paused at every person she met, waved happily and said "hi." When they waved back, she was ready to follow them into their offices.
Watching her made me think of a story Mom told about me. I wasn't much older than Jordan--maybe 2 years old?--when I decided to go on an outing into town. I grabbed a purse and toddled down the road to the local diner. By the time Mom (or my babysitter, don't know which), found me, I was sitting high atop a swivel seat drinking pop. Happy, unaware I had done anything dangerous.
I can see Jordan doing exactly that. Except she would add one of her mother's necklaces to her ensemble and she'd be dressed in slacks or shorts instead of a dress.
Mom, your legacy lives on. In me, In your grandson. In your granddaughter. In your unborn grandchild whose first ultrasound "picture" I saw today.
The Lord blesses the righteous.
Jordan charms everyone she meets. Today she was dressed in a charming pink-and-brown dressed pants set, complete with pink ruffles. She was wearing her squeakie shoes that works better than GPS at locating her. She paused at every person she met, waved happily and said "hi." When they waved back, she was ready to follow them into their offices.
Watching her made me think of a story Mom told about me. I wasn't much older than Jordan--maybe 2 years old?--when I decided to go on an outing into town. I grabbed a purse and toddled down the road to the local diner. By the time Mom (or my babysitter, don't know which), found me, I was sitting high atop a swivel seat drinking pop. Happy, unaware I had done anything dangerous.
I can see Jordan doing exactly that. Except she would add one of her mother's necklaces to her ensemble and she'd be dressed in slacks or shorts instead of a dress.
Mom, your legacy lives on. In me, In your grandson. In your granddaughter. In your unborn grandchild whose first ultrasound "picture" I saw today.
The Lord blesses the righteous.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Mom's Gone Home
This morning I got THE call. Someone from the hospital called to say "you'd better get here as soon as you can."
"You mean she's ..."
"We know she's DNR and we're keeping her as comfortable as we can. It's the rush hour. Take a deep breath, drive safe. She's not alone."
I jumped into my clothes and drove sedately through two school zones to reach the hospital. I couldn't help thinking about last Monday's blog, how I said I felt it was time, and then how all week her vital signs have been stable and she seemed to be getting stronger ... Yesterday she was hallucinating (barbecuing fish inside an animal's stomach?)and in a great deal of pain from a kidney infection.
The nurse said she suffered a heart attack. She lay on the bed, raspy, difficult breathing. I held her hand. "I love you, Mama." And I sang to her, songs from our old CMA days, Fanny Crosby songs. Songs of my childhood.
A friend from church came in, and then the pastor. Mom's breathing slowed even further and her pulse dropped further. I began singing again: Amazing Grace. Oh, How I Love Jesus. Oh, How He Loves You and Me. As I finished singing, Pastor Jason touched my arm and pointed me to the monitor showing all heart activity had stopped. He said, "You sang her home." Her homegoing was very peaceful.
Jaran arrived moments later.
We don't have any details yet as far as services.
Thank you all for praying with us through this difficult time. I am numb but at peace with the way everything happened.
"You mean she's ..."
"We know she's DNR and we're keeping her as comfortable as we can. It's the rush hour. Take a deep breath, drive safe. She's not alone."
I jumped into my clothes and drove sedately through two school zones to reach the hospital. I couldn't help thinking about last Monday's blog, how I said I felt it was time, and then how all week her vital signs have been stable and she seemed to be getting stronger ... Yesterday she was hallucinating (barbecuing fish inside an animal's stomach?)and in a great deal of pain from a kidney infection.
The nurse said she suffered a heart attack. She lay on the bed, raspy, difficult breathing. I held her hand. "I love you, Mama." And I sang to her, songs from our old CMA days, Fanny Crosby songs. Songs of my childhood.
A friend from church came in, and then the pastor. Mom's breathing slowed even further and her pulse dropped further. I began singing again: Amazing Grace. Oh, How I Love Jesus. Oh, How He Loves You and Me. As I finished singing, Pastor Jason touched my arm and pointed me to the monitor showing all heart activity had stopped. He said, "You sang her home." Her homegoing was very peaceful.
Jaran arrived moments later.
We don't have any details yet as far as services.
Thank you all for praying with us through this difficult time. I am numb but at peace with the way everything happened.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Letting Go--Mom
Mom may be dying.
Of course the doctors won't say so, and at the moment her vital signs are stable. I may be wrong. But mild dementia has become pretty severe; she's worn out, body and mind; and in constant pain.
When Mom struggled so after her heart valve surgery, and I feared I would lose her, I prayed, "Lord, I'm not ready. It's too soon after losing Jolene." And God spared her, and spared me that unbearable pain.
This time, Mom went into the hospital because of pain in her back, hips and legs. When I saw her that night, every breath a groan of pain fraught with effort, I prayed, "Lord, take her home if this is what her life will be like." I can't imagine life without her--but I don't want her to suffer like this.
They've determined the pain is due to a hematoma on a muscle in her pelvis and untreatable. But by the time they figured that out, a host of other problems had erupted. She almost coded last Monday. She can't swallow at all, so she's being fed via a feeding tube, her mouth is dreadfully dry, and she's on oxygen. She refused to let the cardiologist do an angiogram.
Visits are hard. She lies on the bed, eyes wide open. Every small noise startles her. Her speech is difficult to understand. She doesn't want the television on. We've tried reading to her, but she doesn't like that either. So I sit in silence, speaking every now and then. I'm largely numb.
On Friday Mom turned 78; and she moved to a long term acute care hospital. She's in the ICU at Kindred Hospital.
Thanks for your care and your continued prayers.
Of course the doctors won't say so, and at the moment her vital signs are stable. I may be wrong. But mild dementia has become pretty severe; she's worn out, body and mind; and in constant pain.
When Mom struggled so after her heart valve surgery, and I feared I would lose her, I prayed, "Lord, I'm not ready. It's too soon after losing Jolene." And God spared her, and spared me that unbearable pain.
This time, Mom went into the hospital because of pain in her back, hips and legs. When I saw her that night, every breath a groan of pain fraught with effort, I prayed, "Lord, take her home if this is what her life will be like." I can't imagine life without her--but I don't want her to suffer like this.
They've determined the pain is due to a hematoma on a muscle in her pelvis and untreatable. But by the time they figured that out, a host of other problems had erupted. She almost coded last Monday. She can't swallow at all, so she's being fed via a feeding tube, her mouth is dreadfully dry, and she's on oxygen. She refused to let the cardiologist do an angiogram.
Visits are hard. She lies on the bed, eyes wide open. Every small noise startles her. Her speech is difficult to understand. She doesn't want the television on. We've tried reading to her, but she doesn't like that either. So I sit in silence, speaking every now and then. I'm largely numb.
On Friday Mom turned 78; and she moved to a long term acute care hospital. She's in the ICU at Kindred Hospital.
Thanks for your care and your continued prayers.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
January Books
Before I dive into my favorite books read in January, let me mention a new book I'm eager to read (it's on the shelves now--hurry and get it!)
Love Finds You in Bridal Veil, Oregon by Miralee Ferrell promises another heartwarming historical romance from the Love Finds You series from Summerside Press. Margaret Garvey is torn between old and new loves. Through in a dash of disaster and mystery, and it's a must-read. I'll let you know next month after I've had a chance to read it.
As for books read this month: With only reading nonfiction 10 minutes or so a day, I usually take a long time to get through an entire book. But I found a couple of quick reads which both resonated with me:
When Answers Aren't Enough by Matt Rogers. Written by the chaplain at Virginia Tech, the subtitle says it all: "Experiencing God as good when life isn't." Short, wisdom-filled chapters echoed many of the lessons God taught me after Jolene's death. I highly recommend it.
90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper with Cecil Murphey. I shy away from sensationalism so I only read this book because my mother bought it and I wanted to see what made it a bestseller. Let me say now, it's NOT sensational. Reading Piper's description of meeting his loved ones in heaven gave me great comfort. I am now looking forward to Jolene running to greet me when my time comes.
Coming back to my favorite genre--mysteries--I read two excellent Christian mysteries: Candy-Coated Secrets by Cindy Hickey, one of the cozy mysteries produced by Barbour; and The Lost Sheep, hard-boiled P.I. by Brandt Dodson from Harvest House.
Love Finds You in Bridal Veil, Oregon by Miralee Ferrell promises another heartwarming historical romance from the Love Finds You series from Summerside Press. Margaret Garvey is torn between old and new loves. Through in a dash of disaster and mystery, and it's a must-read. I'll let you know next month after I've had a chance to read it.
As for books read this month: With only reading nonfiction 10 minutes or so a day, I usually take a long time to get through an entire book. But I found a couple of quick reads which both resonated with me:
When Answers Aren't Enough by Matt Rogers. Written by the chaplain at Virginia Tech, the subtitle says it all: "Experiencing God as good when life isn't." Short, wisdom-filled chapters echoed many of the lessons God taught me after Jolene's death. I highly recommend it.
90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper with Cecil Murphey. I shy away from sensationalism so I only read this book because my mother bought it and I wanted to see what made it a bestseller. Let me say now, it's NOT sensational. Reading Piper's description of meeting his loved ones in heaven gave me great comfort. I am now looking forward to Jolene running to greet me when my time comes.
Coming back to my favorite genre--mysteries--I read two excellent Christian mysteries: Candy-Coated Secrets by Cindy Hickey, one of the cozy mysteries produced by Barbour; and The Lost Sheep, hard-boiled P.I. by Brandt Dodson from Harvest House.
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